my response to Sarah Schwartz' "Rethinking the Metaphors: Deeper Conversations on Purity" [spoiler alert: i loved it]

i have watched this video six times in a row now.

it's just so good. & so important. watch:

To me, Sarah is a prime example of faithful "wrestling"
& this is a prime example of the push-back that is happening, 
& that needs to happen in our culture
because the right things are being taught
in the wrong ways.

best parts: 

"While the movement may have been largely well-intended, 
it was 100% a reaction out of fear. 
& it is easier to motivate large group of people via fear and shame 
than it is to develop holistic conversation about Christian sexual ethics. 
& so, the evangelical right sensed a generation embracing the values of the sexual revolution 
and countered with what we now know as the purity movement... 
I understand why we do this. 
Christians are alarmed by what we see as a sexually permissive society, 
and this scares us."

[I've seen this time & time again;

she's right, it's easier to motivate out of fear,

& people with good intentions

who sincerely want young people to be happy

use whatever tools they can to teach the right thing

even if it ends up being taught in the wrong way.

I honestly believe they don't mean any harm; 
it's just all they know.]

[on gender roles 
& how we tend to address boys & girls differently in this conversation]

[I strongly believe that we should have the 
same expectations of purity & modesty 

for both men & women]

"There is this sense then that if men engage in sex before marriage 

there is more grace for their actions 

because they're biologically wired to desire sex above all else."

[I have so seen & heard this, 

even if it's not in so many words. Ugh.]

{paraphrase}
If you, as a woman, 

posit that women have sexual feelings as well, 

you'll immediately be pegged as a slut. 

[Yep, felt that.

Again, my whole adolescence & adult life

I've been told that as a woman, I can't possibly understand

what a boy is going through in this area

& that their sex drive is way stronger than a woman's.

I mean, I have no real way of testing or knowing,

but I think that's a huge generalization
& a mistake

Also, that doesn't give you a free pass to promiscuity.]

"Men and women are different - like no duh, right? 

But we're both human, 

which means both men and women have a need & a capacity 

for relationships, community, and emotional health & expression,
& both men and women are wired with a desire for sexual intimacy.
This either/or logic denies all of us aspects of our humanity, and it needs to go die."

[!!!!!!!!

This is God's plan. I really believe that.

Men & women were designed to live in families]

 "I'm particularly heartbroken for the dark implications of logic for young men,
because from the moment you hit puberty you are bombarded with these messages of
"you are nothing but a slave to your desires,"
"you're human, but you're actually more like an animal when it comes to this area"
and "you really have no capacity for self control"
and "don't worry no one really expects anything else from you."
And guys need to start getting offended by that.
You are fully human, 

made in the image of God, 

with a need for relationships and emotional health and connection. 

You are not animals."

[I have three wonderful brothers who live as proof positive 

that boys are humans, not animals.]

"And so when people say things like "boys will be boys," 

ask yourself, could this sentence easily be

"boys will be terrible," 

because that's generally what people are saying."

[Oh snap.]

"And girls, you have a body.

You are in possession of a sexuality 

& having sexual desires doesn't make you a freak, 

it means you have a pulse,

and you don't need to be afraid or ashamed of that."

[Denying reality when talking to young people

means that when we do encounter reality -

and we will -

we think we're the only ones who feel this way

& we don't know how to deal with it.

A huge mistake, if you ask me.]

"We need to examine the ways we have been taught to think about sex, 
because our current framework is extremely damaging 
& doesn't actually reflect the reasons 
why Christ has called us to save sex for marriage in the first place."

[I am a huge believer 
in doing the right things

for the right reasons -

the reasons Christ Himself set up

& not the reasons we've invented

so that things make sense to us.]

"Abstaining outside marriage is about your whole life,
sexuality included,
being submitted to Christ in loving obedience.
This practice is about your discipleship,
not some hypothetical future someone.
Your virginal state or lack thereof is not an object
that you are giving someone in the future
(because there may not be someone in the future.)"

[!!!!!

Again, you can't offer a future relationship as a prize

because the fact is,

not all of us are going to get married.

Yes, marriage is a wonderful, divinely ordained goal.

But it is not - cannot - be the main reason.

Because not all of us will attain that in this life.]

"We practice chastity out of love for Christ."

[Again, love for God,

not fear of man,

needs to be the main motivation here

because that's so much more powerful & lasting.]

"This way of thinking is big enough for all of us, right?
Whether you're married, or dating, or single,
whether you're straight or same-sex attracted,
this framework's end goal is being more like Jesus,
not some person.
This is about your sanctification.
Stewarding your sexuality your whole life for the glory of God."

[This is so important.
Again, in a church with a rapidly changing demographic

we need to keep in mind that not everyone in the congregation is married
or even heterosexual.

Truth applies to everyone,

not just those who fit the norm.

Being more like Jesus is the real purpose of life, anyways
& if you frame it that way
it applies to all of us
not just those who fit the norm.]

"Also, can we please stop treating marriage like this magical, like finish line, where it's like
"Whoo I got married!"so you never have to think about stewarding your sexuality wisely ever again?
I'm not married, but I'm assuming you're still gonna have to use wisdom,
and be prayerful,
and like, be a thinking human person afterwards."

"The goal of our youth group too often is to produce sober virgins,
and we need to aim higher than that."

"Because I don't think necessarily getting to the altar as a virgin makes us more Christ-like.
A lot of people get to that day having not had sex
just because they were super freaked out about becoming "damaged goods,"
and then they really wrestle with having sex
because they've internalized so much shame about it,
not because they understood chastity 
as a means to be formed by the Holy Spirit,
to learn,
to be sanctified,
& to grow."

[If we teach right things in the wrong way,

we may get the right outward results

but the internal change will not be there

& that's the whole point anyways.]

"Because we can obey all kinds of rules and still not be like Jesus, right?

The Pharisees love to come to Jesus and quiz him about specifics of the law
but Jesus is always bringing them back to the attitudes of their hearts
from which your actions will necessarily flow."

"What makes us like Christ is having hearts that long to see and treat others as image-bearers of God,
to love them better than we love ourselves,
and to honor God with every aspect of our beings."

"So yes, regard sexual intimacy as something to be shared in a covenant relationship of marriage,
but don't do it because you're terrified of becoming damaged goods.
Do it out of love for Christ
 and so that the Spirit can have His way in your heart
and produce everything in you that you need
 for life 
and for godliness."

[Love, not fear.

Love, not fear.

Love, not fear.

Love, not fear.]

{here i paraphrase}

Objectifying women and men
even in a benevolent way
is still objectifying them.
We are not gum.
We are not flowers.
We are not tape.
We are children of God
& that is where our true value lies.

[This last part is just really beautiful.]

"My prayer is that the Spirit of God would meet you
right where you are,
and in the way that only He can,
wrestle with you in the midst of your questions
 and your doubts
 and your fears
and restore to you a knowledge of your worth.

May you begin the process of breaking free from the lies that the Enemy would love to hold you captive in,
and may you taste and walk in the freedom of your belovedness.
May you be transformed from the inside out.
Like the Apostle John says, may your lives be ones perfectly formed in love rather than fear.
And may you be brave enough to let other people in,
to work through these issues in community.
May you surround yourself with people who will love you well
and speak the truth frequently 
and loudly 
over your life.

Let us be a force of healing
by reshaping this conversation,
by committing to viewing each person that we come in contact with 
with a holy reverence,
knowing them to be a beloved image-bearer 
& fellow child of God,
a full human person,
not an object
& not goods, damaged or otherwise

May we be a community that not only loves much
but loves well

& let us always, always remember & proclaim 
that it has never, ever been our behavior that makes us pure,
but an acknowledgement 
of who Jesus is and His purity
that makes us one with Him
& compels us to walk 
in the Way Everlasting.

sarah on twitter | sarah's blog