It all started when my good friend Kathryn posted about buying new bras. A discussion ensued, which reminded me of a time when I was maybe 12 or 13, and we had gone to the temple to do baptisms, which involves getting wet & thus changing your clothes afterwards. She had a bundle of her clothes in her hand and we were talking to some of the other teenagers, when her mother came over and hustled us away, shaming her daughter for having her bra out in the open. "Those boys don't need that kind of education..." she told us.
I know that family, and I have great respect for them, and this isn't a personal attack or criticism. I wasn't scarred by this incident and I doubt my friend was either. But I do remember it. And now, looking back, I see it as a symptom of a culture that routinely shames women and tends to blame women for men's choices.
I don't think we need to parade our underwear around for the whole world to see, but accidentally seeing half a bra is not going to ruin a young boy's life/salvation/psyche/etc. Too often I think conservative Christian communities have crossed the line between avoiding sexual permissiveness, and over-shaming women and women's bodies. [for more on purity culture as a response to the sexual revolution and how it's based in fear rather than love and whole lot of other goodness, see sarah schwartz's amazing talk here]
To understand a bit more of where I'm coming from, know that I am big sister to three wonderful brothers & two amazing sisters, and that they're the most important people in the world to me. I grew up mormon (and still am), and I value the ethics my upbringing has given me. I'm grateful when girls choose to dress with modesty. I think modesty is a great thing. But I also think it's often being taught wrong.
Too often I feel girls are taught to "dress modestly so that boys will like you" or that, "you don't essentially become walking porn." (actual quote.) I don't buy into this at all. Yes, I understand that it's easier to focus on godly things when people around you aren't sexualizing themselves. But I also know that regardless of other people's choices, we can always retain our agency, our ability to choose and to refocus our thoughts. When my youngest brother was in high school, a girl went streaking [naked] down the halls and tripped and fell right in front of him. While I wish she hadn't made that particular choice, remarkably, my dear brother was still able to keep his morals intact. We always retain control over our own choices. Recently he told my mom that when people say "boys will be boys" or just assume that "all boys look at porn" it makes him feel "so clumped together and generalized and degraded" as a young man. "It makes me feel like people & society don't think I'm capable of controlling myself like I'm some kind of animal or something." I reject the "boys will be boys" mentality. Men and women are both fully human, and both children of God. [for more, see here.]
Also, please can we remember that modesty is an attitude, not a dress code. I was encouraged by this recent article from Carol F. McConkie:
I would also use extreme caution before categorizing a woman as "modest" or "immodest," or saying "she has no self-respect" since you simply don't know the condition of her heart or where she is coming from. It's super dangerous to look at anyone and think "Oh, they're probably this type of person, because of what they look like." I have made that mistake time and time again. I'm always wrong. And to fellow Mormons, be careful not to confuse "LDS Dress Standards" with "modesty." Remember that modesty is an attitude, not a dress code, and that it's possible to be modest in a bikini and immodest in a burka.
To quote further from Carol F. McConkie:
"Remember that even as we teach and exemplify modesty, we never condemn those who choose short skirts or “rainbow hair and the many splendored rings.” Always we exemplify compassion and Christlike love for the individual while we remain loyal to the standards the Lord has set." [emphasis mine]
At the end, of the day, I choose modesty. But my primary thought when I get dressed is not, "What will boys think of me?" but "Am I keeping the promises I've made to God and myself to represent Him at all times, things, and places?" (and, "is this comfortable?")
Personally I feel like our society puts an over-emphasis on bodies/looks as a source of power. I believe that power comes from who you are (eternal), not how you look (changing). I like to dress modestly because it reminds me of who I am and what really matters. It reminds me that my power doesn't come from what I look like, but from who I am, and that my worth is not attached to my appearance. I also like to wear leggings because they're extremely comfortable and I like the way they look & feel. At the end of the day, I have a much greater reason to dress modestly than just "what will boys think of me."
"I testify that the choices we make to appear and behave modestly send a powerful message that we understand our identity as sons and daughters of God and that we have chosen to stand in holy places.
[Are we] using our bodies to draw attention, or to glorify God?" // Carol F. McConkie
It's important to realize that we're all connected and that our choices affect each other and that we're here to help each other out. But too often I feel like a line is crossed, and suddenly a girl's self-worth and value is all tied up in what boys think of her and her relationship status. Enough. Women and men have value because of who they are - intrinsic, unchanging, eternal value - completely separate from what they can do, what they look like, or what they wear.
And the best way to improve behavior is to focus on that intrinsic self-worth.
When we are confident in who we are and in our unchanging self-worth, we are much better equipped to reach out and help others, knowing that their opinions won't change us. This is how the Savior acted. This is how I want to be.
Let's shift the focus away from what others think of us & towards our relationship with God.
Too often I feel girls are taught to "dress modestly so that boys will like you" or that, "you don't essentially become walking porn." (actual quote.) I don't buy into this at all. Yes, I understand that it's easier to focus on godly things when people around you aren't sexualizing themselves. But I also know that regardless of other people's choices, we can always retain our agency, our ability to choose and to refocus our thoughts. When my youngest brother was in high school, a girl went streaking [naked] down the halls and tripped and fell right in front of him. While I wish she hadn't made that particular choice, remarkably, my dear brother was still able to keep his morals intact. We always retain control over our own choices. Recently he told my mom that when people say "boys will be boys" or just assume that "all boys look at porn" it makes him feel "so clumped together and generalized and degraded" as a young man. "It makes me feel like people & society don't think I'm capable of controlling myself like I'm some kind of animal or something." I reject the "boys will be boys" mentality. Men and women are both fully human, and both children of God. [for more, see here.]
It is possible to teach modesty without making girls feel ashamed of their own God-given bodies. [for more on this, see the embodied project].
It is possible to teach righteousness without constantly framing it as "do this so that others [boys] will like you/respect you/marry you."
[Spoiler alert: they won't always marry you. So you're gonna need a way better reason than that.] [Sarah Schwartz addresses this well.]
You need to be good for you and for God, not for any other person. Because other people change, and they go away, and another person's approval is SUCH a shaky foundation to build something as important as testimony upon. Instead, let's go with Jesus "The Rock" Christ.
You need to be good for you and for God, not for any other person. Because other people change, and they go away, and another person's approval is SUCH a shaky foundation to build something as important as testimony upon. Instead, let's go with Jesus "The Rock" Christ.
 |
| (not this rock) |
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| (this Rock) |
The most common argument I hear in opposition to this is that "to say our actions don't affect others is silly." or "but you can't ignore the fact that women's dress DOES affect men." And I hear you, I do. And I'm not denying that our actions affect other people, of course they do. I'm just saying that's a dangerous idea to frame the conversation around. I understand and appreciate that modesty makes a difference. I have 3 brothers. My family always appreciated it when their prom dates made an effort to dress with modesty. And I always appreciated it when they wore shirts to dinner. Respect for others is never a bad thing. But no amount of shoulder or leg showing was going to excuse my brothers for any inappropriate behavior.
[I also make a distinction between personal and social responsibility. Personally, I choose to dress with modesty. That is my choice. Socially, I choose to not let other people's choices control my thoughts or my behavior.]
I'm not opposed to conversations about modesty, or even to talking about how modesty benefits other people. But too often I've seen it become a very gendered conversation, focusing on how women need to cover the shoulders and hide their knees and make sure their bra straps don't show because it will give boys bad thoughts. Never once have I heard boys be told to put on a shirt, or make sure not to leave their athletic cup out in the open because it will give girls bad thoughts. Maybe I missed out on these conversations because they were held in male-only settings, but somehow I doubt that.
I cringe when dressing to help boys control their thoughts & not becoming "walking porn" is offered as the primary reason to dress with modesty. To me, helping others out is secondary. A benefit, but not a reason.
Please can we teach women and girls that modesty is first and foremost about them and their relationship with God. If we're constantly making choices based on other people and what they think and feel about our choices, we're going to end up burdened with shame and burnt out and exhausted. The world is constantly changing and shifting. Every individual has different ideas and standards about what constitutes "modesty." Living to meet the world's standards is exhausting and pointless. As Carol F. McConkie has said, "Fashions and socially accepted behaviors change regularly. The standards of the Lord never change. Teach young men and young women to be sensitive to the Spirit as they make choices about what to wear, say, and do." Live for God. Live for His standards. He is constant and loving. A lifestyle centered around God and His loving expectations is so much richer and more fulfilling and without shame. And when we're consistently making an effort to live in a way that's pleasing to God, we will naturally do what's best for others as well - but in a much more rewarding way. That's why I view "helping each other out" a benefit, but not the primary reason for modesty.
I usually fall back on this quote from Lynn G. Robbins:
"Trying to please others before pleasing God is inverting the first and second great commandments."Keeping our priorities in order - living to please God first - helps us avoid so much stress and anxiety. Please can we begin to teach modesty in this way. I promise it will make everyone happier, and the results will be even better. In this way, we can take the blame off of women for men's choices, while still holding everyone to God's high & holy standards :)
Also, please can we remember that modesty is an attitude, not a dress code. I was encouraged by this recent article from Carol F. McConkie:
The definition of modesty in True to the Faith is “An attitude of humility and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior.” [emphasis mine]"Over the years, I have learned that modesty is taught best by teaching the doctrine and setting a positive example... Modesty is a God-given principle that can help us learn to use our bodies appropriately here in mortality. The definition of modesty in True to the Faith is “An attitude of humility and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior.” Modesty is not vain or boastful. Modest people do not use their bodies or their behavior to seek approval from the world or to draw attention to their own real or supposed accomplishments or desirable attributes." This is the definition of modesty we need to be teaching our young people - boys and girls. She continues: "Please remember that the principles of modesty shared here apply to both men and women, sons and daughters."
I get nervous when it starts to feel like people have built their faith and their testimony on temporary standards (hem length, shoulder straps, etc) instead of eternal principles. As Ronald E. Poelman has said, "[Lev. 19:27] contains a rule about personal grooming . It is clearly not applicable to us. However, we also have standards of dress and grooming. Neither is an eternal principle; both are intended to help us implement and share gospel principles." [emphasis mine]. Remembering what the Lord's standards for dress and grooming are intended for will help us to keep proper perspective.
I don't think the takeaway should be "...so everyone can walk around naked because feminism!!!" but I do think that there is room for remembering the true definition of modesty [attitude, not dress code] and not judging other people's efforts or blaming their choices for our own.
Remembering that modesty is an attitude, not a dress code, reminds me that it's possible to be modest in a bikini, and immodest covered head-to-toe. [Lena from the embodied project covers this topic well; also i've blogged about this before.]
It's cool if you're attracted to modesty, & it's cool that girls [& boys] know they don't have to dress a certain way to get boys [or girls] to like them, but that's the point - you don't have to dress ANY way - "modest" or immodest - to get people to like you. Do it for yourself & for God.
It is totally within everybody's right to have a preference. I totally get that boys who are trying to keep their thoughts clean will prefer to hang out with women & girls who make that easier, and I respect that. It's probably helpful for some women who are making an effort to dress in accordance with God's standards to know that there are men who will respect that effort. But again, this is a benefit, not the main motivating reason.
We often hear that women who dress "immodestly" [which usually means "not how i think she should dress"] have no self-respect and are just doing it to attract men. Why do we only condemn this behavior one way? At it's root, it's the same problem - women being told "do this for men." No one should feel they have to dress a certain way for others. I don't have to dress "provocatively" to keep a man, & I don't have to dress "modestly" to deserve respect. They're two sides of the same coin.
I would also use extreme caution before categorizing a woman as "modest" or "immodest," or saying "she has no self-respect" since you simply don't know the condition of her heart or where she is coming from. It's super dangerous to look at anyone and think "Oh, they're probably this type of person, because of what they look like." I have made that mistake time and time again. I'm always wrong. And to fellow Mormons, be careful not to confuse "LDS Dress Standards" with "modesty." Remember that modesty is an attitude, not a dress code, and that it's possible to be modest in a bikini and immodest in a burka.
To quote further from Carol F. McConkie:
"Remember that even as we teach and exemplify modesty, we never condemn those who choose short skirts or “rainbow hair and the many splendored rings.” Always we exemplify compassion and Christlike love for the individual while we remain loyal to the standards the Lord has set." [emphasis mine]
At the end, of the day, I choose modesty. But my primary thought when I get dressed is not, "What will boys think of me?" but "Am I keeping the promises I've made to God and myself to represent Him at all times, things, and places?" (and, "is this comfortable?")
Personally I feel like our society puts an over-emphasis on bodies/looks as a source of power. I believe that power comes from who you are (eternal), not how you look (changing). I like to dress modestly because it reminds me of who I am and what really matters. It reminds me that my power doesn't come from what I look like, but from who I am, and that my worth is not attached to my appearance. I also like to wear leggings because they're extremely comfortable and I like the way they look & feel. At the end of the day, I have a much greater reason to dress modestly than just "what will boys think of me."
"I testify that the choices we make to appear and behave modestly send a powerful message that we understand our identity as sons and daughters of God and that we have chosen to stand in holy places.
[Are we] using our bodies to draw attention, or to glorify God?" // Carol F. McConkie
It's important to realize that we're all connected and that our choices affect each other and that we're here to help each other out. But too often I feel like a line is crossed, and suddenly a girl's self-worth and value is all tied up in what boys think of her and her relationship status. Enough. Women and men have value because of who they are - intrinsic, unchanging, eternal value - completely separate from what they can do, what they look like, or what they wear.
And the best way to improve behavior is to focus on that intrinsic self-worth.
When we are confident in who we are and in our unchanging self-worth, we are much better equipped to reach out and help others, knowing that their opinions won't change us. This is how the Savior acted. This is how I want to be.
Let's shift the focus away from what others think of us & towards our relationship with God.
